Mallory On A Plane
by Red Witch
Summary: After her Alaskan cruise ends in disaster, Mallory is forced to fly back home. Or more accurately, the other passengers are forced to fly with Mallory.


**A plane took off with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is a sequel to The Frost Weekend. I watched a few Wings reruns. Then I got…**

 **Mallory On A Plane **

"This is the **worst** plane I have ever been on," Mallory grumbled to herself. "And that includes that one cargo plane I rode in during the war during a lightning storm. Whose wings were on **fire**."

She was in the first row in the window seat of a single room Cessna 402. Next to her was a thin, nervous man with curly hair and glasses in a brown suit. The other passengers on the plane were a mother and her sleeping small boy about six years old. Three burly men wearing orange and brown sports clothing. And a rather large brunette woman of size wearing a conservative black outfit with her hair in a tight upwards bun.

Flying the plane was a young man with brown hair in his mid-thirties wearing a blue uniform type outfit. Sitting next to him in the co-pilot seat was a blonde woman about the same age in a similar type uniform.

"This is your captain," The pilot said. "Joe Early. Welcome to Miracle Airlines. If you have a good flight, it's a Miracle."

"Geeze Joe, that joke is older than **her!** " One of the men pointed to Mallory.

"First of all," Mallory glared at the man. "I'm not **that** old! And second…I agree."

"We really should change that catchphrase," The co-pilot sighed.

"Come on Mary," Joe said. "It's a classic."

"Classically bad," Mallory spoke up as the plane bumped. "Like your flying!"

"It's just a little turbulence," Joe said. "Nothing to worry about."

"Newsflash," The thin man with the glasses next to Mallory snapped. "When pilots say there's nothing to worry about, that's when **most people** worry!"

"And I thought Gillette couldn't fly," Mallory groaned as the plane bumped. "But she has the grace of Amelia Earhart compared to **you**!"

"Relax," Another one of the burly men said. "We've flown with Joe hundreds of times and we've only crash landed twice."

"They were not **crash landings** ," Joe said. "They were controlled landings in extraordinary situations."

"One of the engines gave out," Mary looked at him. "Because you forgot to fix it!"

"Well we didn't crash, did we?" Joe snapped. "You're still alive, aren't you?"

"But for how long?" The large woman groaned as the plane bumped again.

"I don't want to die," The thin man whimpered. "I don't want to die. I don't want to die."

"Great," Mallory groaned. "On top of it all, I'm in a plane with a whining baby."

"My child is fast asleep," The mother said.

"I was talking about **him,** " Mallory pointed to the man sitting next to her.

"Oh God," The thin man whimpered. "Oh God… Oh God…I don't want to die. I don't want to die."

"I see your point," The mother said.

"I'm sorry!" The thin man apologized. "I'm sorry! I just have a slight phobia about flying. Oh God! Did I just hear the engine die?"

"No, just my will to be sober," The heavyset brunette woman grumbled.

"You should see a psychiatrist about your phobia," Mallory suggested. "And this is coming from a person who thinks psychiatrists are a step above witch doctors."

"I **am** a psychiatrist," The thin man said. "Dr. Melvin Nebbish."

"I rest my case," Mallory groaned.

"If you hate planes so much why are you **flying** in one?" Joe asked as he flew.

"Oh, I'm coming back from a seminar I sponsored," Dr. Nebbish explained. "Confronting Your Alcoholism."

"You held an alcoholism seminar in _Alaska?"_ Mallory asked. "The one state that outpaces all the southern states in moonshine? How did **that** go?"

"Quite well actually," Dr. Nebbish said. "There was a fire alarm and half my audience actually came back. The rest went into a bar next door. But you know? Half a success is still a success."

"You realize that someone in your audience probably pulled that fire alarm in the first place?" Mallory asked.

"Yeah my assistant," Dr. Nebbish said. "After the first hour their checks are non-refundable. I have my assistant pull the fire alarm to weed out those people who aren't really serious. It makes the second half of the seminar incredibly productive."

"That's actually really clever," Mallory blinked. "You're smarter than you look."

"I get that a lot," Dr. Nebbish shrugged. "Oh! I felt a bump! I felt a bump! Turbulence! Turbulence!"

Mallory looked at the plump woman. "I'm guessing **you're** his assistant?"

"That would be me actually," The mother sighed. "I couldn't find a babysitter."

"Kathy, I didn't have a problem with you bringing Christopher," Dr. Nebbish said. "He was quite well behaved."

"I was talking about **you,** " Kathy looked at him.

"I'm Dr. Cecelia Andrews," The plump woman spoke up. "If anyone was curious."

"Nobody was," Mallory grumbled.

"Were you at his seminar?" One of the men asked.

"God no," Dr. Andrews said. "I'm an **actual** doctor. I was called up to examine a patient."

"Psychiatrists are **actual doctors** ," Dr. Nebbish defended.

"I agree they are," Dr. Andrews said. "I'm just not so sure **you** are. I've heard about your pseudo-psychological seminars. They're basically to psychiatry what McDonalds is to the gourmet dinner industry."

"I like McDonalds," The first man spoke up.

"Me too," The third man spoke up.

"I'm lovin' it!" The second man said. "I'm Burt Barrett by the way. This is Bob Bullman and Buck Bunderson. We're the Three B's!"

"Three B's!" The men cheered.

"And we're off to LA to see the Cleveland Browns play!" Bob added. "Go Dawg Pound!"

"ARF! ARF!" The Men barked. "ARF! ARF!"

"Do you mind?" Kathy snapped. "My son is a sleep!"

"Arf, arf…" The men barked quietly. "Arf, arf…"

"This **cannot** be my life," Mallory groaned. "I am accustomed to travelling first class! Not third-class luggage! Even when I was on the Skytanic I had more room than this."

"Skytanic?" Joe asked. "Isn't that that blimp that was basically responsible for bombing Wales? And then the company completely bombed and went belly up?"

"Man, I would have hated to be on that flight," Bob snorted.

"What kind of idiot would ride in a blimp nowadays?" Dr. Andrews added.

"It was a luxury air ride!" Mallory bristled. "Like a cruise ship but in the sky."

"You know a blimp is basically a giant balloon, right?" Bob snorted.

"That's nothing like a cruise ship," Dr. Nebbish said. "Not that they're any safer…"

"Well unless you want to die of boredom," Mallory groaned.

"What's your backstory lady?" Buck asked Mallory. "I didn't catch your name."

"Didn't throw it," Mallory looked at him.

"Come on," Buck said. "We told you ours."

"What is this?" Mallory snapped. "One of those old black and white films where everyone travelling together tells each other everything before one of them is murdered?"

" _Murdered?"_ Dr. Nebbish squealed.

"Nobody is going to be murdered!" Joe said.

"At least until we land," Mary said.

" **If** we land," Dr. Nebbish moaned as the plane experienced some turbulence for a few seconds. "Oohhhhhh…."

"Oh **fine!** " Mallory rolled her eyes. "I'm Mallory Archer and I'm returning from a cruise! Happy Buck Backstory?"

"Cruise?" Dr. Andrews realized something. "Are you talking about that Alaskan Cruise ship? I thought that ended up in Anchorage? How did you end up in an airport in Moose Bay?"

"I decided to come home early," Mallory shrugged. "That's all…"

"Wait a minute…" Burt realized something. "I thought you looked familiar! I **know** you!"

"You _**do?"**_ Mallory looked at him.

"I've seen you before as well…" Kathy realized something.

"So, have I," Mary realized.

"You're that lady that was thrown off the cruise ship!" Burt spoke up. "I saw it on Me Tube before we left!"

"WHAT?" Mallory snapped.

"Quiet!" Kathy snapped. "But that's not what I was talking about…"

"She caused a fight on a cruise ship?" Dr. Nebbish pointed.

"It's all over the Internet," Burt said. "It was hilarious! She cold cocked a steward even though she was plastered!"

"God damn camera phones," Mallory groaned.

"Wait," Dr. Andrews got a look a Mallory. "Now I remember you! You're that Pro Fur activist! I saw you in that fur bikini starting a riot and getting arrested on the news!"

"Oh my God you're right!" Mary gasped.

"Technically I didn't **start** the riot," Mallory protested. "I just defended myself from those anti-fur protestors!"

"With a gun!" Mary snapped.

"What's your point?" Mallory asked.

"Here! I got the cruise ship incident on my phone!" Burt pulled out his phone.

"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory bristled. "Put that away! No one wants to see that!"

"I do," Bob said as he looked over. "Whoa…You nearly stabbed a guy with a broken bottle!"

"She did **what**?" Dr. Nebbish gasped. He looked over. "Oh dear…"

"Impressive roundhouse kick," Buck said.

"Great! Now I'm sitting next to a violent maniac!" Dr. Nebbish groaned.

"I am not **that** violent!" Mallory snapped.

"That looks pretty violent to me," Burt said. "Ooh, he's not going to be able to walk that off!"

"That was taken out of context!" Mallory protested.

"Let me see!" Joe said.

"You're flying the damn plane!" Mary snapped. "I'll look at it. You can see it when we land! I don't want a repeat of Elk Nose!"

"That's not fair!" Joe snapped as Mary took the cellphone to watch. "For one thing I didn't deliberately fly into that flock of geese! They just flew out of nowhere!"

"You were distracted at the time!" Mary snapped.

"I wonder **why?** " Joe glared at her.

"Eyes front why you're flying the plane please!" Dr. Nebbish moaned. "Eyes front!"

"Wow," Mary looked at the cell phone. "I've seen hockey players that don't hit as hard as that."

"This is all taken out of context," Mallory protested.

"This is a textbook case of severe anger issues," Dr. Nebbish remarked.

"I do **not** have anger issues!" Mallory snapped. "I was **provoked!** My reaction was perfectly reasonable!"

"Holy crap!" Mary gasped as she saw something. Then showed it to the passengers.

Mallory paused. "All right. I admit that maybe setting the buffet on fire was slightly unreasonable…"

" **Slightly** unreasonable?" Dr. Nebbish gasped.

"Lady my last patient didn't have as many anger issues as you have," Dr. Andrews said. "And considering it was a black bear that needed its teeth pulled that's saying something."

"You're a **vet**?" Dr. Nebbish snapped. "And you're criticizing **my line** of work?"

"At least I'm a **real doctor**!" Dr. Andrews snapped. "That just happens to not discriminate against species."

"I help people!" Dr. Nebbish snapped.

"I help people too!" Dr. Andrews snapped.

"You help their **pets** ," Kathy pointed out.

"Who are considered members of the family," Dr. Andrews added. "But I was also talking about a few human patients I treated. Mostly emergency surgery. A few bullet wounds from some drunken hunters in the field. And one time I set a guy's broken leg."

"What?" Dr. Nebbish asked. "You didn't shoot him?"

"That is **uncalled** for!" Dr. Andrews snapped. "I only euthanize animals in extreme situations! At least I don't make a quick buck off of some flim flam pseudo-psychiatry show!"

" _Flim flam?"_ Dr. Nebbish shrieked. "I am a highly respected scientist of the human mind! I understand the workings of people's fears and…Oh God! I felt an engine fall off the plane! We're gonna die! We're gonna die!"

"The engine did **not** fall off!" Joe snapped. "But if anyone sees a bolt on the floor could you let me know?"

"Oh God!" Dr. Nebbish moaned.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Dr. Andrews remarked. "I rest my case."

"I have to admit," Mallory said. "If I had a choice, I'd rather be treated by Dr. Andrews!"

"Oh yeah," Buck said.

"Definitely," Bob admitted.

"Me too," Kathy groaned.

The plane bumped again. "Oh God! No!" Dr. Nebbish whimpered. "I don't want to die! I don't want to die!"

"Then you're the only one," Mallory remarked.

Mary groaned. "You **had** to do that loose bolt joke didn't you, Joe?"

"I have to get my fun somewhere," Joe remarked. "Seeing as our relationship isn't exactly providing any."

"Really? **Now?** " Mary snapped. "You want to bring that up **now?"**

Mallory rolled her eyes. "And here comes the in-flight entertainment."

"Well you certainly don't want to talk about our relationship any other time…" Joe began.

"We're gonna die…" Dr. Nebbish whimpered. "We're going to die because the pilots have a dysfunctional relationship…And the plane is falling apart!"

"That's not the only thing that's falling apart," Mallory took a flask out of her purse. "Damn it, I hate to use this but this is the only way to shut you up."

"What?" Dr. Nebbish blinked.

"Drink," Mallory held up the flask to him.

"What is that?" Dr. Nebbish asked.

"It's a magical elixir," Mallory said sarcastically. "Guaranteed to remove all anxiety and relax you."

"It smells like scotch," Dr. Nebbish winced.

"Bingo," Mallory told him. "Now take a drink. Maybe this will remove that stick out of your ass?"

"Maybe it will work on the stick in my ex-wife's ass?" Joe remarked.

"Shut up Joe!" Mary snapped.

"The plot thickens," Bob said.

"But I don't wanna drink…" Dr. Nebbish protested.

"Just drink it!" Mallory snapped practically shoving the flask down his throat. "Now I can enjoy the fight in peace!"

"We're not fighting," Mary said.

"Yes, we are," Joe said. "That's one of the reasons why we divorced! You always wanted to control things!"

"Oh, and I suppose I should be like you?" Mary snapped. "Just fly around and let things happen?"

"It's worked **great** so far!" Joe snapped. "Why buck the system?"

"Do I feel the plane bucking?" Dr. Nebbish whined.

"Just keep drinking," Mallory told him and forced him to drink some more.

"But drinking doesn't help," Dr. Nebbish gulped. "Drinking…Hello…"

"Yeah that's the strong stuff," Mallory said.

"I could use some strong stuff," Joe said.

"You're flying the plane!" Mary snapped.

"Which means he needs to relax," Mallory looked in her purse. "I got one of those tiny bottles of Jack Daniels in here I swiped from a real airplane."

"First of all…" Mary bristled. "You **can't** give him a drink!"

"You can give it to me," Burt said.

"Get your own you tattletale!" Mallory snapped. She moved to the front and handed it to Joe. "Here."

"Thank you!" Joe knocked it back.

"Oh my God!" Mary snapped.

"Oh please!" Mallory snapped. "That small bottle wouldn't knock out an ant. He'll be fine."

"Yeah he'll be fine," Dr. Nebbish kept drinking from Mallory's flask. "This stuff is great! I feel better already!"

"Just slow down," Mallory said. "That's prime Glengoolie Blue in there."

" _Glengoolie Blue?"_ Bob gasped. "You're giving him Glengoolie Blue?"

"That stuff has a bigger kick than a mule," Dr. Andrews said. "And trust me, those suckers can kick pretty hard."

"Well if you're a lightweight," Mallory shrugged as she pulled out another small bottle. "I'll just make do with this mini bourbon."

"What do you have?" Kathy asked. "An **actual bar** in there?"

"I wish," Mallory admitted. "I could kill for a Tom Collins."

"You could kill us all!" Mary snapped at Joe. "I can't believe you had a drink!"

"I can't believe I could tolerate you that long without one," Joe remarked. "Relax."

"Yeah relax…" Dr. Nebbish giggled. "Have a drink…"

"Well I was saving this for the game," Buck pulled out a cooler. "But I got some brewskis here…"

"You can't drink in a plane!" Mary snapped.

"Yes, they can," Mallory said. "That's why flight attendants were invented honey!"

"Just because you don't drink, doesn't mean the rest of us can't," Joe said.

"Oh my God is she one of **those?** " Mallory gasped.

"I believe alcohol is a poison to the body and the mind," Mary sniffed.

Mallory looked at Joe. "No wonder you divorced her!"

"Hey!" Mary snapped. "You all can't drink! There's a child present!"

"Oh please," Kathy waved. "I once had a half pitcher of sangria at a playdate. Hand me a beer, will you?"

"Now it's a party!" Buck grinned as he did so.

"This isn't…" Mary groaned. "See what you've done?"

"What did I do?" Joe asked. "Besides displease you with my existence?"

"I was talking to **her,** " Mary snapped as she pointed at Mallory.

"Let me guess," Mallory said. "The only reason you're here and not on some beach in California trolling for a new husband was that he convinced you to spend every dime you had on this flying albatross?

" **She** convinced **me** to put **my money** into this before we divorced," Joe corrected. "But other than that, you're spot on."

"And I'm guessing it's been a **joy** working with her," Buck snorted before he took a drink of beer.

"A laugh riot," Joe said without humor.

"This hasn't exactly been a dream job for me either!" Mary snapped.

"More like a nightmare at thirty thousand feet," Joe snapped.

"Interesting…" Mallory paused before she took a sip from her mini bottle. "Okay I'm just throwing this out there. Joe you want me to take you for a ride to piss her off?"

"WHAT?" Joe did a double take.

"Let me rephrase that," Mallory said. "I'm willing to have sex with you in order to teach her a lesson. And get back at my husband."

"Hey-O!" Dr. Nebbish giggled.

"This flight just got way more interesting," Bob snickered.

"I don't **believe** this!" Mary snapped. "You are actually hitting on my ex-husband in front of me while he's flying the plane?"

"I know," Mallory admitted. "I'm usually better at this. But I had a rough weekend and honestly, I'm off my game. So, do I have a shot at you or not?"

"NO!" Joe and Mary shouted.

"God, I hate my life," Mary groaned.

"You're not the only one," Joe remarked. Mary glared at him.

"What about you?" Mallory sighed as she looked at Dr. Nebbish. "You don't look like much but you'll do."

"Dear God no," Dr. Nebbish shuddered. "I'm not **that** drunk yet!"

"Will you people be **quiet**?" Kathy shouted. "You're going to wake up my son!"

"I'm **already** awake!" The boy groaned. "How can I sleep when you're so **loud?"**

"Sorry," Kathy said.

The plane bumped again. "Plus, the bumps don't help," Christopher said. "I've been on school bus rides that were smoother."

"I know right?" Mallory asked. "Okay since I'm desperate…" She looked at the Three B's.

"We're not," Bob said.

"Happily married," Buck said. "Thank God."

"I'm not married. But no offense," Burt said. "Aren't you a little old for…?"

WHAM!

Mallory slammed her fist into Burt's face. "You wanna piece of me? Do ya punk?" She snarled.

"Oh God…" Mary groaned. "Not **another** one…"

"I could go for another one," Dr. Nebbish hiccupped as Mallory was starting to brawl with the Three B's.

"Great! Where's an air marshal when you need one?" Joe groaned.

"OW! OW! OW!" Bob moaned as Mallory easily punched him several times.

"Joe do something!" Mary snapped.

"I'm flying the plane here!" Joe snapped. "What do you want?"

"Well somebody do something!" Mary snapped as Mallory punched Buck.

"On it," Dr. Andrews took something out of her bag. It turned out to be a needle. She stabbed it right into Mallory's shoulder.

"OW!" Mallory glared at Dr. Andrews.

"What the hell did you just shoot her with?" Joe asked.

"Horse tranquilizers," Dr. Andrews said.

Mallory looked at her. "Respersizne or Fluprazine?"

"It's a new one," Dr. Andrews said. "But it's a derivative of Resperzine."

"Oh good," Mallory nodded. "Then I still have a few minutes. Plus, I get that nice relaxed buzz before I pass out." She took out the needle. "First, I'm going to…Oh, here comes that relaxed feeling."

Mallory then passed out in her seat. "Thanks…" Joe was impressed.

"You'd be amazed how many times I've had to do that," Dr. Andrews shrugged.

"Why do we always get the **crazy people** on our flights?" Mary groaned.

"That's **it**!" Joe snapped. "As soon as this flight is over, we're selling the business and moving to other states! I'm going back to Cape Cod!"

"Fine with me!" Mary snarled. "Florida is looking better every day!"

"With all those hurricanes and sinkholes?" Burt asked. "Good luck with that."

"Mommy," Christopher said innocently. "Why do we always get the planes with the cranky **adults?"**


End file.
